I found this post sitting in my drafts.  I guess I started and never finished.  I hope this is helpful and encouraging to folks.

Man, it's been a LONG time since I've blogged.  I guess I haven't had anything really important to say for a while.  It's been over a year since I last posted.  I had two posts close together.  One about folly of me preparing a roasted chicken and the ugly depths of depression.  Since I wrote those two blog posts, I have been judged, unfriended, and encouraged.  It's these two very different kinds of posts that made me realize that I had real trouble.  While I was trying to focus on the positive of every situation, I was still worrying constantly.

I have decided to share my continued journey with you.  I feel like it's more important to share facts and feelings than it is to ignore what's really happening and trying to mask it.  I hope that sharing my struggles will help someone who is struggling.  Maybe I can shed light for those who are connected to someone like me.

Again, I Thank God That Kim Cam Does NOT Exist!

I work pretty hard all week and I don't make the best meals through the week. They're usually fast meals or crockpot meals, so on the weekends I try to prepare delicious, filled with love, homemade dishes. Today's disaster...roast chicken!

My poor chicken wasn't fully thawed when I tried to extract the bag of guts from its internal cavity. I thought running hot water into it would do the trick. It probably would have if Gene hadn't come along and yanked on the bag, tearing it and leaving the guts loose in the said internal cavity. I thought I would throw up! 

There are two dynamics here; one is my husband has no ability to mind his own business whether he knows what's going on or not and two is I detest any kind of raw meat preparation with bird gut extraction being at the top of the list.

As soon as I saw what he had done, I burst into tears! Completely uncalled for tears! The heart, liver, and all that other gross stuff was looking at me! What was I going to do? I did what every good woman would do. I declared his party foul and told him he has to take care of the guts. 

I stormed off hoping that when I returned, the job would be done.  And it was...I was left with the job of cleaning up the mess he made though. It may have been a good trade off. 

The chicken is now roasting in peace in the oven.

Thank goodness there's no Kim Cam!

Depression, friendship, and forgiveness

Before I even begin, I want to make clear that I'm not a medical expert. I'm a teacher, a mom, a wife, a friend.  If you have any type of depression symptoms and you feel you need help, seek that professional help immediately.  No one has to do this alone!

In addition, if you are concerned that you have postpartum depression and want more information, please see this link.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/basics/definition/con-20029130

As you all very well know, I'm a mom.  I'm the mom of three super wonderful kiddos. They are about 28 months apart in age.  So when the twin boys were born,  big sister was only two years old.  I know, I know.  What was I thinking?  I'll tell you what I wasn't thinking.  I wasn't thinking I would EVER have twins.  One baby and a two year old...manageable.  Two babies and a two year old...insanity! They are five and almost three now. We have all survived the roughest parts. Sleepless nights, tons of bottles, diapers, tantrums, crawling, toddling, conks on the coffee table, and sick infants.

My main purpose for sharing this blog entry is that I live my life retrospectively and though I gave birth five and three years ago, respectively, it's not too late to reflect in order to help someone avoid my mistakes.

I reflect an awful lot and I make changes to my life based on those reflections.  However, there are time periods in my life that I was unable to reflect upon until recently.  There was something that wasn't allowing me to do it.  I'm not sure if it was fear, denial, or I was just too darn busy to look back on this particular time in my life, but I should have because I was in dire need of help. 

However, I have recently had the opportunity to talk to other moms about depression and after speaking with them about what they went through, I realize that I had a very real case of postpartum depression after both of my pregnancies.  The second bout really impacted my life most due to its severity. My two best friends wrote me off and my relationship with my husband changed.  Therefore, I feel compelled to share my story, because if I can help one person avoid going through what I did or worse, my share was a success.

I don't think I'm a unique person.  I'm pretty average all around, so after I had my daughter, I thought that feeling "blue" was normal.  Everyone talks about hormones being out of whack and I thought that's what was going on with me.  I was exhausted from a baby who had severe reflux.  I became agitated by things that were insignificant.  I was overly protective of my daughter, to the point of borderline paranoia.  I cried a lot!  I had good days and bad days.  I chalked it all up to hormones and sleep deprivation.  However, after reading the research and talking to friends, I was suffering from postpartum depression.  I'm not really sure when things started to turn around, but I'm glad they did.  I was so clueless about postpartum and when the hospital called to check on me, they went through a whole list of questions that are used to screen women for postpartum.  I answered every question the "right way" so I seemed fine.  I never had thoughts of harming myself or my daughter, but I definitely fit into other screener categories.

Fast forward 28 months.  I've been in preterm labor for about 6 weeks.  I've taking been Nifedipine every three hours since October 20.  It's now December 2.  I took that prescription religiously day and night, because I was so afraid of having preemie twins who weren't healthy enough to face the world.  December 2 is the day the twins entered the world.  It was a huge relief, because I had felt awful since August.  I couldn't breathe, I was uncomfortable, I couldn't eat. Let's face it, when those boys were born, their combined weight was nearly 13 pounds.  Those two little bodies were taking up a lot of space and messing with my body in a big way.

Because I felt so terrible almost all the time, I was not a great person to spend time.  I was crabby, tired, irritable, and generally miserable.  People around me really did their best to work around me and my terrible disposition.  I completely understand that.  In retrospect, I was a miserable human and I'm sorry to anyone who was ever on the receiving end of the misery.  When I'm pregnant, it's like something takes over my body and I'm just plain old mean.

The boys were born via Cesarean section.  I'll be honest, I would give birth to 20 more kids to avoid a single C-Section.  I was in pain constantly, I still had the responsibility of two babies, and I was getting no support from my husband.  Life went on as "normal" for him.  I'm not saying that I was angry with him, but I needed him. I needed him to feed babies, give me time to sleep and take care of myself, and to let me have time with our daughter...and I needed him to be nice! That didn't happen. I was so upset with him that I entertained the idea of leaving. Seriously. However, what does a mom of three kids under three years old do? How could I possibly uproot the kids and move? And where would I go? So the feeling of being trapped in my situation festered. Because of this, I grew resentful and to some degree, I haven't forgiven him for not being there for me. It has been nearly three years, but those wounds haven't completely healed.

While all of this was going on, I was trying to be happy and excited for a friend who was getting married. I'm sure she had no clue what was happening with me. After her engagement, she became a different person to me. I know I was difficult to deal with given my sitatuion and what I really needed was an intervention. Instead, I was uninvited from the wedding because, in her words, I wasn't excited enough. Little did she know how tumultuous I was inside. I wanted to be happy for her. She had met her perfect person. How can you not be happy for someone? I couldn't because I was so depressed and I was dying for someone to help me, I just didn't know it. 

Due to the consequences of the depression, I became very angry and passive aggressive. I was having trouble with my husband, my best friend had unfriended me, those close to me were avoiding me, another close friend completely checked out of my life...what was happening? My life was in a complete tailspin, all while I'm trying to be super mom to three babies, one of whom was hospitalized for RSV at two months old. What was I going to do? 

Although counseling would have been the best option if I had recognized the depression, instead, I started focusing only on the positive and the things I could control. At this point, things had been careening out of control for almost a year. 

Since then, I have done my best to avoid negative, avoid getting upset, let things roll, make choices that put me in positive positions, and generally keeping my mouth shut. I try not to engage in any type of confrontation, but I will be honest with people when necessary. 

I miss the relationships that I have lost. I resented that two people who claimed to know me best didn't step in and try to point me in the right direction, whether it be medical or counseling. I have forgiven myself for not recognizing what was going on and for not being able to be the friend that these two wanted or needed. I was depressed. I was sad. I was lost. I never meant to be what they didn't need. I forgive them for not being able to help me. I'm not sure the reason and it doesn't matter. Time has passed. It doesn't heal anything, but it makes you realize what's important and I am more able to recognize when things are going south. 

What do I want you to take away from this rambling? If you feel "blue", seek help from your PCP to start. He may recommend you seek more specialized help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You aren't going to sound crazy. No one is going to take your baby away from you. You need to get well again, so things don't spiral out of control. You are important and special. Don't feel embarrassed or "weird", get help for yourself so you can be the best you and the best mom possible. There is strength in gaining education, so seek information if you aren't sure what's going on inside your head and heart. Finally, there's always someone there for you, even if it's me. Email me if you need someone and feel you have no one. You are special and important. 🎀

My personal Public Service Announcement to all five year olds...

When playing with a battery powered car, do not allow its tires to come in contact with your long, blonde hair.  The hair will wrap around the tires like spaghetti on a fork.

Part two of this PSA, if you cut your own hair from the car, leaving the long, blonde hair dangling from the tire, do not report to your mother that your dark, curly, short-haired brother is in the bathroom cutting his hair from the said car.

Dear child, your mother has been trained by the FBI (she was a fifth grade teacher) and she investigates everything.  The hair color, length, and texture are not a direct match to the brother, but rather you, reporter.

I'm sad to report that there are no pictures of this calamity.  Though, the decent chunk of hair that was either cut or pulled from the child's head were in a location on her head that will not affect any future hair style.  WHEW!!!

You know you've reached a certain age when...

I decided to start my blog with a picture.  I know,  I know.  You've all seen my millions of selfies.  This picture has two fold significance to the blog.  One is that old ladies (LOL) still got it and that you shouldn't let time and space get between good old friends.

This picture is of my former co-worker and super great friend, Katie and me at the Rascal Flatts concert in 2007.  She and I used to do all kinds of things together.  She was single and I was sort of single (married, without children, and hubby doesn't like having ANY fun).  We met for dinner, shopped, dancing, you name it.  We were game for anything that sounded like a fun!

Unfortunately, life happened and we just got away from each other.  There was no real reason.  We have been Facebook friends for a long time, so we were able to keep up with the other's life.  In the last year or so, we've had the opportunity to spend small bits of time together.  She's married now and I have three kids, so time is a difficult commodity to acquire to spend relaxing with friends.

This leads me to the next picture.  This is Katie and me now.  Yes, seven years later.  We are at another Rascal Flatts concert.  Compare the two pictures.  Do we look much different to you?  Of course our hair has changed and it's dark in the latest picture, but overall, there's very little change.  I'll admit, I think we look pretty stinkin' good for two ladies who are approaching our fortieth birthdays.

Katie and I both like to shop.  We are excellent shoppers.  We love deals.  We insist on being fashionable.  I will say that Katie is far more fashionable than I am, but I think she's more in tune with what's new and trendy.  I know more about Bubble Guppies, The Octonauts, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  I can bust out a Disney tune at the drop of a hat.  Which, by the way, Katie, if you're reading this, you need to see Cars.  Cheryl Crowe's song is the best intro to a movie. If you see either of us, we generally look fabulous for any event,  This is where I'm going to hit the first reason for this blog.

Katie and I decided at the last minute to go to the Rascal Flatts concert.  The weather in Pittsburgh has been so weird all summer and Mother Nature didn't let us down for this event.  The forecast had changed at least three times from Thursday to Saturday.  Rain all day, scattered showers, spotty showers...snow?  I don't know.  We were texting back and forth about what to wear.  I'm always cold and so is Katie, so a jacket or sweater were a must.  We really wanted to wear our cowboy boots, but the forecast was too iffy to risk it.  The end result of the crazy weather and the possibility of rain.  I, in my tank top, fleece shirt, and fleece vest, with my Coach scarf as an accessory (Let's be honest.  You know I wore the scarf because I was afraid my head would get cold and I would wrap that baby around my noggin like a Baba.), jeans and my rain boots.  Katie was a bit more lenient with her garb.  She went for the short sleeved shirt, pink jacket, jeans and matching pink polka-dotted rain boots.  Where am I going, you may ask?  Katie and I figured out that we have reached the age where we would really like to continue to look cute, but we are willing to sacrifice it for comfort (not being cold or wet).  We did our best to pull things together enough that even in our warm, dry gear, that we still look fashionable for a couple of late thirty somethings.  We rocked it!  I don't care what anyone says.  We can rock a pair of rain boots like no other!

Don't let your age dictate what you wear or how you view yourself.  I realize I'm not twenty and I don't dress like a twenty year old, but I stay up-to-date and my kids won't be embarrassed that my pants touch my bra and that I wear black orthopedic shoes with white socks.  Wear what makes you feel good, not what you have time.  If that was the case, I would live in race tee shirts and Yoga pants (and I don't do Yoga).  Put on your make up, style your hair, buy a pair of heels!  Be funky, be hip. Get your girl on!

The second part of my blog has to do with us losing track of each other.  When we arrived at the venue, we got food and sat and talked.   We talked about how much fun we have shared, St. Patrick's Day Parade in Pittsburgh (if you haven't done it, you need to get there), Saddle Ridge for a country show, Rascal Flatts many moons before...In the time we talked, I realized that I missed my friend and all the fun we had together and ironically enough, it was because neither of our husband's care to go to concerts that we ended up at this one.  I posted on Facebook that I wished I could be there, a friend posted that she had available tickets, and Katie offered to be my concert buddy.  It was so nice to be able to pick up where we left off, as if time never passed.

If you have a friend that you have not spent time with in a while, call her.  Make dinner plans, see a movie, invite her for dessert, since you've turned into Betty Crocker.  Don't let your friends get away from you.  Time and space are a nasty thing for friendships, or any relationship.  It's too easy to be too busy.  Make time for those special people.  As we get older, it's harder and harder to connect with people because we settle into our daily routine (and family always first).  We work, we come home, we go to Yoga, we take the kids to practice, whatever your schedule is.  There's no change in scenery and no change in the social circle.  Don't let go of those people who have brought you joy!

Katie and I met through work.  She was the reading specialist in my building.  I was one of the literacy aides who worked under her.  I took a teaching job at a far away district and our paths don't cross.  I hope that we are able to do things together again.  We are too fashionable and too much fun not to continue what we started long ago.  You should think about your old friends and do the same.

Rich Beyond Understanding

Life around here has been INSANE!  I have two toddlers that are constantly pushing the limits.  I spend so much of my time counting to three for them and counting to ten in my head for myself.  There's been a lot of "red chair sitting" and a lot of sticker chart discussions.  I have also learned that Dum Dum lollipops have a lot of power with small children. I can't believe what they will do to earn one!  I have said it before and I'll say it again, I will need to be medicated before these boys leave me.  I am raising two boys that are so much like myself and my brother that I can hardly handle it.

On top of this, we are also preparing a kindergartner for her first days of school.  So we are dealing with meltdowns over school clothes, shoes, and the idea of kindergarten itself.  She is happy about going one day and telling me she's staying home the next.  The fact of the matter is we have a little girl who is not sure that she's ready for this next phase of her life.  AND SHE'S A GIRL!

While school shopping at Macy's One Day Sale with crazy coupons in hand (good luck trying to find items that are both on sale and are coupon eligible), I was frustrated.  One because of the said coupon challenges, two because I had two crabby toddlers in a stroller, and three I had a VERY picky almost kindergartner.  I was trying to buy underwear and bras (Sweet Baby Jesus!  Who makes these things?), a first day of school dress for the lovely lady, and jeans for the little fellows.  I took all of my items to the counter to find that my coupon only worked on two of the items which totaled $49.50 and I had to spend $50 for the coupon to work.  I was ready to pull out my hair!

While I was looking and feel rather exasperated, an elderly lady turned to me and smiled.  She quietly admired my three wild monkeys for a moment.  She reached down and touched one of the boy's hands and spoke softly to him.  She looked up at me and smiled brightly.  She told me that all the children are beautiful.  Indeed they are.  She then asked if they are all mine.  Indeed they are.  She asked if the boys are twins.  Indeed they are.  Beaming, she said, "You are very rich."  I let those words sink in.  I wasn't feeling very rich.  I was feeling very tired, frustrated, annoyed, and spent.  Then the tears came to my eyes.  Yes, I am very rich.  Rich beyond understanding.  What was I doing?  I had it all wrong.  These are the most important people in the world.  I needed to change my mindset about the day and all it had thrown at me.

I had lost sight this day of what was really important.  It's not the coupon.  It's not the unrest that happens through the day.  It's not always easy to think of the hard times as being part of  the best times.  I'm so blessed to have been given these three little wild monkeys.  They are mine.  I worked very hard to have them.  I work very hard to take care of them.  I work very hard to give them everything they need.  If they weren't valuable, why would I do that? So in those quick moments, I was mentally slapped to refocus and reprioritize.

When things seem overwhelming and that you're never going to accomplish everything you need, remember how rich you are.  You are rich beyond understanding.  You have treasures that you have been blessed with.  You were chosen to care for this valuable commodity.  Handle this fragile, amazing, gift with care.  You would never invest this in a different way.  The to-do list isn't all that important.  Toss it aside.  Hug them.  Watch them sleep.  Play with them.  Have a picnic with them.  Love on them.  Sing with them.  Listen to them tell stories.  Absorb every second of this time.  They are sharing their riches with you.  The time passes too quickly and you don't want to miss any of it.  They're only little once, so enjoy every bit.  Even the rough parts...they are beautiful, too!

Back to School Thoughts from a Teacher Mom

Oh dear!  I just looked at the calendar.  The last day of July!  It won't be long now before kids are school shopping, moms are packing lunches, and teachers are welcoming kiddos back to the classroom.  For teacher moms, this is a bittersweet time of year.

This is the time where we are preparing for a fresh, new start with a new group of eager learners.  However, it's a sad time of year, because we are spending less time with our own children.  The upside for me is that my daughter is going to kindergarten, so she's beginning her own new adventure and my boys are continuing at a daycare that they and I love.

I'm excited to begin the new school year.  This year will be full of new challenges for me.  I recently was transferred to a new position.  I was a fifth grade science teacher for nine years.  This year I will be teaching reading as one of our building's reading specialists.  This new position is very different from what I've done in the past.  I will be working with teachers to help struggling readers and I'll also be directly teaching readers.  Another challenge that I will be facing is adjusting to the age of the learners.  I was a fifth grade teacher, so I'm used to more mature, independent learners.  I will now be teaching kindergarten through grade two.  This will require more patience and lots of flexibility.

Being a teacher mom is both rewarding and time consuming.  Unfortunately, my work doesn't end when I close the door to my classroom at the end of the school year or the end of the school day.  I know, I know.  Teachers only work nine months a year and get three months off.  Well, not really.

My summer break is eight weeks.  During those eight weeks, I have applied and interviewed for a new position within my building.  Yes, I had to go through the same interview process as a new applicant.  I was transferred to my new position, reading specialist.  I have had to go to school to sort nine years of science teacher "stuff" (three piles, move to the new room, store at school, and store at home) and move to my new reading room.  This was more like moving out of my first apartment and into a new house.  I have also begun professional development to prepare for the responsibilities of my new position and reading professional books about how best to accomplish my goals. Sure, I have eight weeks of break, but it hasn't been a break.  It's been a teacher learning to become a different, better teacher and moving company.  All while spending my days "off" with my kiddos making summer a fun, fulfilling time.  I'm just nineteen days from my first day of school.  There is still a lot to do and lots to do with my kids, both fun and to prepare them for their upcoming year.  So when someone tells you that teachers have summers off, well...

I'm not complaining, because I wouldn't trade this career for any other...except maybe being a talk show host, but since that is unlikely, I'll stick to what is realistic.  Being a teacher and a mom are the two most rewarding things I've ever done.  What else can you do to see growth, development, and enjoy the fantastic gifts that each child has?

Let me share a first grade story and a fifth grade story:

As a first year teacher and  first grade teacher, I was always nervous about "losing" a student.  First graders are wily breed.  They are unpredictable and you have no idea what thoughts are going to carry them.  One afternoon while I was teaching math, I lost a kiddo!  I know!  How do you lose a kid when they're in the classroom, sitting in their seats, engaged in a lesson?  I cannot answer that question.  I turned around to write something on the chalkboard and when I turned back around to face the class, Joe was GONE!  His desk was in the center of the room and somehow in a nano second, he had disappeared into thin air!  I asked if he had left the room.  I thought he might have had a restroom emergency.  The other kids all looked at each other shrugging.  They didn't see Joe leave.  I asked the girl who was sitting next to Joe where he had gone.  She dipped her head very close to the carpet and looked in the direction of his desk.  I went to join her.  I found Joe under his desk.  He had no idea how he had arrived in this place.  He thought he might have fallen off of his chair.  Oh the mysteries of first graders!

This past year while teaching fifth grade, I was supervising an engineering project, I approached a group of boys who were working well together. These guys are my comedians.  They had a more mature sense of humor.
Me: How's everything going?
Student 1:  We're doing good.
Student 2:  My fish is going to have babies.
Me: How did that happen? (I say this a lot and it's sort of automatic)
Group of Students: All looking at each other snickering.
Student 1: Do you really want me to tell you?
Me: Mental forehead slap, waving hands all around.  NO! NO! NO! I'm good.
Student 1: I think that's a completely difference science class, Mrs. McBryar.
Me:  I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Group of Students: laughing at my embarrassment

For the rest of the day, I would hear in the distance, "How did that happen?" and then laughing.

I hope you enjoy this final month of summer break with your kids and appreciate what your kids' teachers do, because most people don't realize the work they do or the copious amounts of their own money they use to do their jobs.