In addition, if you are concerned that you have postpartum depression and want more information, please see this link.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/basics/definition/con-20029130
As you all very well know, I'm a mom. I'm the mom of three super wonderful kiddos. They are about 28 months apart in age. So when the twin boys were born, big sister was only two years old. I know, I know. What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking I would EVER have twins. One baby and a two year old...manageable. Two babies and a two year old...insanity! They are five and almost three now. We have all survived the roughest parts. Sleepless nights, tons of bottles, diapers, tantrums, crawling, toddling, conks on the coffee table, and sick infants.
My main purpose for sharing this blog entry is that I live my life retrospectively and though I gave birth five and three years ago, respectively, it's not too late to reflect in order to help someone avoid my mistakes.
I reflect an awful lot and I make changes to my life based on those reflections. However, there are time periods in my life that I was unable to reflect upon until recently. There was something that wasn't allowing me to do it. I'm not sure if it was fear, denial, or I was just too darn busy to look back on this particular time in my life, but I should have because I was in dire need of help.
However, I have recently had the opportunity to talk to other moms about depression and after speaking with them about what they went through, I realize that I had a very real case of postpartum depression after both of my pregnancies. The second bout really impacted my life most due to its severity. My two best friends wrote me off and my relationship with my husband changed. Therefore, I feel compelled to share my story, because if I can help one person avoid going through what I did or worse, my share was a success.
I don't think I'm a unique person. I'm pretty average all around, so after I had my daughter, I thought that feeling "blue" was normal. Everyone talks about hormones being out of whack and I thought that's what was going on with me. I was exhausted from a baby who had severe reflux. I became agitated by things that were insignificant. I was overly protective of my daughter, to the point of borderline paranoia. I cried a lot! I had good days and bad days. I chalked it all up to hormones and sleep deprivation. However, after reading the research and talking to friends, I was suffering from postpartum depression. I'm not really sure when things started to turn around, but I'm glad they did. I was so clueless about postpartum and when the hospital called to check on me, they went through a whole list of questions that are used to screen women for postpartum. I answered every question the "right way" so I seemed fine. I never had thoughts of harming myself or my daughter, but I definitely fit into other screener categories.
Fast forward 28 months. I've been in preterm labor for about 6 weeks. I've taking been Nifedipine every three hours since October 20. It's now December 2. I took that prescription religiously day and night, because I was so afraid of having preemie twins who weren't healthy enough to face the world. December 2 is the day the twins entered the world. It was a huge relief, because I had felt awful since August. I couldn't breathe, I was uncomfortable, I couldn't eat. Let's face it, when those boys were born, their combined weight was nearly 13 pounds. Those two little bodies were taking up a lot of space and messing with my body in a big way.
Because I felt so terrible almost all the time, I was not a great person to spend time. I was crabby, tired, irritable, and generally miserable. People around me really did their best to work around me and my terrible disposition. I completely understand that. In retrospect, I was a miserable human and I'm sorry to anyone who was ever on the receiving end of the misery. When I'm pregnant, it's like something takes over my body and I'm just plain old mean.
The boys were born via Cesarean section. I'll be honest, I would give birth to 20 more kids to avoid a single C-Section. I was in pain constantly, I still had the responsibility of two babies, and I was getting no support from my husband. Life went on as "normal" for him. I'm not saying that I was angry with him, but I needed him. I needed him to feed babies, give me time to sleep and take care of myself, and to let me have time with our daughter...and I needed him to be nice! That didn't happen. I was so upset with him that I entertained the idea of leaving. Seriously. However, what does a mom of three kids under three years old do? How could I possibly uproot the kids and move? And where would I go? So the feeling of being trapped in my situation festered. Because of this, I grew resentful and to some degree, I haven't forgiven him for not being there for me. It has been nearly three years, but those wounds haven't completely healed.
While all of this was going on, I was trying to be happy and excited for a friend who was getting married. I'm sure she had no clue what was happening with me. After her engagement, she became a different person to me. I know I was difficult to deal with given my sitatuion and what I really needed was an intervention. Instead, I was uninvited from the wedding because, in her words, I wasn't excited enough. Little did she know how tumultuous I was inside. I wanted to be happy for her. She had met her perfect person. How can you not be happy for someone? I couldn't because I was so depressed and I was dying for someone to help me, I just didn't know it.
Due to the consequences of the depression, I became very angry and passive aggressive. I was having trouble with my husband, my best friend had unfriended me, those close to me were avoiding me, another close friend completely checked out of my life...what was happening? My life was in a complete tailspin, all while I'm trying to be super mom to three babies, one of whom was hospitalized for RSV at two months old. What was I going to do?
Although counseling would have been the best option if I had recognized the depression, instead, I started focusing only on the positive and the things I could control. At this point, things had been careening out of control for almost a year.
Since then, I have done my best to avoid negative, avoid getting upset, let things roll, make choices that put me in positive positions, and generally keeping my mouth shut. I try not to engage in any type of confrontation, but I will be honest with people when necessary.
I miss the relationships that I have lost. I resented that two people who claimed to know me best didn't step in and try to point me in the right direction, whether it be medical or counseling. I have forgiven myself for not recognizing what was going on and for not being able to be the friend that these two wanted or needed. I was depressed. I was sad. I was lost. I never meant to be what they didn't need. I forgive them for not being able to help me. I'm not sure the reason and it doesn't matter. Time has passed. It doesn't heal anything, but it makes you realize what's important and I am more able to recognize when things are going south.
What do I want you to take away from this rambling? If you feel "blue", seek help from your PCP to start. He may recommend you seek more specialized help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You aren't going to sound crazy. No one is going to take your baby away from you. You need to get well again, so things don't spiral out of control. You are important and special. Don't feel embarrassed or "weird", get help for yourself so you can be the best you and the best mom possible. There is strength in gaining education, so seek information if you aren't sure what's going on inside your head and heart. Finally, there's always someone there for you, even if it's me. Email me if you need someone and feel you have no one. You are special and important. 🎀
Kudos to you, Kim. This may just help someone to have a better day, then a better month, then a better life.
ReplyDelete